She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
