I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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