Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
