so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
did i just pee glitter
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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