My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
