I'm so fucking centered right now
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
