Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
