I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
