The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
