My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
