there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
