i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
