i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
