Sorry, I don't speak sober.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
