when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
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I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
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Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
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