That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Randomize
