I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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