why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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