please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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