Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
