sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
