What did we do last night that was yellow?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
