Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
