He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
