god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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