There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Someone signed my nipple.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
