I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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