she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
