alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
As shirtless as possible
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
