new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
