When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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