I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
