My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
