When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
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