So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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