Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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