I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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