how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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