i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
