Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
