At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
