Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i think i have two assholes
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
