i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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