well I can't set my house on fire every night
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
