I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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