I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We're too hungover to prance.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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