I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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