He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
