I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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