if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
