Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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