i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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