Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
