I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
