in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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