When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
What drink are we having for lunch?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
