So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
