I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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