can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
