Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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